Are you the world’s best worrier? Does it seem that if you worry and fret enough you can change the situation? Most of us have learned otherwise. In my book, I Wish I Could Fix It, But...Practical and Spiritual Guidance for those who Love, Live With and Care for People with Mental Illness and Addictions, I have a chapter called Detachment. It is a spiritual principle that I have been learning to master for most of my adult life. When I was in my twenties, my very first counseling session was focused on the idea that I couldn’t change all the problems or “problem people” in my life. I could only really change my own attitudes and responses. Through the years I seemed to see there was a pattern to my “letting go.” First I would detach with anger, then with apathy and finally if I could finally surrender completely to the idea that I could not control another person, I could detach with love. Now that is a pretty powerful place to be in any relationship.

A few years ago one of my very closest friends began to show the early symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease. What a challenge that was. His illness made it difficult for him to be dependable. Before I really accepted the illness, there was anxiety connected to any movie or dinner date and I was always trying to control the outcomes so we wouldn’t be late. I would call ahead. I would remind him the night before, the morning of, and/or an hour ahead. No matter how I tried to stay ahead of the game, somehow there was always a glitch. He always felt so bad and was so apologetic. And I always thought, “Next time I will…” or “If only I had…” I could see I was driving myself nuts.

When it first started, I would get mad, period. Sometimes though, I would be mad, and then be ashamed of myself for being mad because I knew he couldn’t help it. To complicate things when I tried to stuff my frustration by not expressing it appropriately at the time, I noticed that later it would slither out in some form of side-swiping passive aggressive behavior.

Once, he was more than an hour late for a dinner party at my home. When he arrived, I, wanting to look like a saint in front of my dinner guests, showed nothing but sweet acceptance. I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and seated him at the table with the other guests who had just finished the main course. But then, as if I was watching myself in a movie, I saw myself wipe my hands on my apron and I heard myself say, “Well, I guess you’ll just have to go without dessert tonight.”

The following is a reprint of a flyer which has been circulating around Twelve Step groups for many years. It describes, better than I can, what it means to “let go.”

TO LET GO
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective, it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try and become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

~Anonymous~

Jacqueline Castine is the community education specialist at the Oakland County Community Mental Health Authority . Her fall class schedule is posted at www.jacquelinecastine.com. She is the author of I Wish I Could Fix It, But. . . She can be reached at castinej@occmha.org and 248-975-9684.

The upcoming events for the Community Network Services Anti-Stigma Program are as follows:

November 9 & 10, 2009
Michigan Association of Psychosocial Rehabilitation Services (MIASPRS)
Conference
“Money, Meaning and Moving Forward: Making Work Work for You”
Key Note Speech
Bavarian Inn
1 Covered Bridge Lane
Frankenmuth, MI 48734
For more information: Darryl Mordell 616-644-4705

November 13, 2009
Statewide Suicide Prevention Conference
“Sustaining Hope, Saving Lives: Suicide Prevention Across the Peninsulas”
Workshop
Lexington Lansing Hotel
925 S. Creyts Road
Lansing, MI 48917
For more information: www.macmhb.org

November 17, 2009
Stephen’s Ministries
Community Education/Anti-Stigma Program
3795 Sashabaw Road
Waterford, MI 48329
For more information: Irma Hoops 248-625-7761

November 19, 2009, 7:00 pm
Christ the Redeemer Church in collaboration with Oakland County Suicide Prevention Coalition
Anti-Stigma Program
“Understanding Mental Health Issues”
2700 Waldon Road
Lake Orion, MI 48360
For more information: Mari Reyes 248-391-1621

I have a loved one who recently got a new job...which didn’t offer insurance. So, this person sought out insurance providers, did research and met with someone at their home. It was all set and the insurance was active the next day. However, the more information she gave the insurance company, the more they turned away and ran for the hills. My loved one is on an anti-depressant. She is un-diagnosed, getting prescribed medication from a family doctor. She doesn’t even see a psychiatrist, but she has recently been “informed” that she now has a pre-existing condition. Good to know, right? Not so much.

This person, again, has not been officially diagnosed. This person is going to her personal private practice doctor for medication, which is fine and dandy. However, this person has been denied her insurance and has appealed three times...and is awaiting the fourth and FINAL decision today. Why? Because of a pre-existing condition and a diagnosis that the insurance company labeled her as having.

Mental Health Parity. We need it. We deserve it. We need to speak up about it. Basically, the way I understand it, is that it covers ALL medical disorders...not just physical….and on the flip side, not just mental. The truth of the matter is that it has never really covered mental/brain disorders/challenges. Isn’t the brain a part of the human body? Isn’t it’s chemistry important to holistic health? Shouldn’t a brain disorder be covered by insurance?
Ask yourself these questions, as I do every day and even more so now that I can see the effect that Mental Health Parity would/could have on my loved one. I am frustrated beyond words...and more importantly, so is my loved one. Will she give up on getting treatment so that her insurance won’t be forfeited? Will she give up on herself? I certainly hope not.

We don’t know how much little, yet so very BIG, things like this can disparage people from getting the full help they need. We don’t know how much one vote or e-mail or phone call to OUR representatives can make change. We don’t know…

….But….we can DO. We can ADVOCATE. We CAN stand up for ourselves and the ones we love.
Let’s do that today.

For more information on how to speak up, go to our website at www.cnsantistigmaprogram.org and click on the SPEAK UP tab. Go to CONTACT YOUR REPRESENTATIVES. It will take you to a link for spanusa.org, where they have a neat tool. Put in your zip code and click enter. Here you will find a list of all the representatives and congressmen and congresswomen in your district. All of their contact information will be at your fingertips.

Don’t think you have a voice? Neither did I...I was petrified to contact my representatives or the Speaker of the House, Andy Dillon. I was encouraged to do so, though, and surprised myself as I typed an e-mail and hesitantly clicked the send button. You see? I did it. If I can, you can too! Let us be empowered today to make change. Like a ripple effect on the water when only one little stone is tossed upon the placid lake, you, too, can cause a ripple effect among your friends and family...they can cause a ripple with their friends and family, and so on and so on and so on.

I searched the world over for something and/or someone to write for our guest column. What I didn’t realize is that the day I began stressing about it, I discovered a very fitting e-mail forwarded from a dear friend of mine. It just so happens, it appeared to be perfect for our theme of Mental Health Awareness Week which is upcoming. It also follows Jackie’s article quite nicely. Last, my paternal grandparents live in the Cleveland area and read the Plain Dealer daily. What a coincidence!

Regina Brett said she wrote 45 life lessons, my e-mail only had 43 of them…. I truly hope you enjoy this and that it tugs on your heart strings just a little.

~Emily

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God.. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
12. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
14. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
15. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
16. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
17. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
18. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
19. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
20. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
21. Over prepare, then go with the flow
22. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
23. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
24. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
25. Always choose life.
26. Forgive everyone everything.
27. What other people think of you is none of your business.
28. Time heals almost everything.. Give time, time.
29. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
30. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
31. Believe in miracles.
32. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
33. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
34. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
35. Your children get only one childhood.
36. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
37. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
38. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
39. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
40. The best is yet to come.
41. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
42. Yield.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.